Hello Again,

Today is a soggy, wet down in Pennsylvania. I guess in the grand scope of weather in America these weeks  I should be happy all I am getting is this nasty little Noreaster, but it still drags me down.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed, hating life, or anything like that, but I have been feeling kind of contemplative. I mean, I am 34 years ols and this 30's decade is the worst ever.

It seems I have spent my life upt to now defining myself, searching in my teens, experimenting and reaching out in my 20's and then feeling kinda good about the direction I was in and then 30 hit me like a ton of bricks, WHAM!

Who am I now, I was a girlfriend, had a career, became a wife, now a Mother, who the Hell; am I??

Does this make sense?

Can you re-define yourself after 30? I don;t mean change, I mean that is too unrealistic and implies I need to, I don't. I just need to figure out how I fit again and how to nurture myself while I nurture others?

I don't hate my role, in fact I love it. Being a Mom is by far the greatest thing I could ever have done, but I still feel like I missed something within myself. Do all the things I thought and felt and did before I had kids just disappear? Are they on ice like a frozen embryo just waiting for the right conditions to bring them to life?

How does one do it??

Recently I started  re-reading some of my favorite Authors and truthfully I find it makes me want to write again and at the same time it makes me feel really sad to think of missed time spent ignoring the gift and ability to do it. 

I find it is so easy to blame the things in my life that I wish could be different and make them the reaon for my unhappiness, but that is just too easy it seems. Maybe I am not so lucky in love, maybe I feel my marriage lacking, my weight needs some help, maybe the grass looks greener sometimes, but if I stepped on that grass would all those things just go away just go away?, or would the new simply make them not seem to obvious? Maybe even though I may find some things in my life in need of changing externally, I am thinking I should look to myself first and see if I can't make it all fit without tearing up my seams.

I wrote a poem a long time ago called the Solitary Girl and the last lines in it are,

'My spring will always come back to me without a daily prayer, I've seen my flowers bloom in colors a rainbow never wears. My rain will always wash the tears a God had left alone, and I will contine to live my life within the stitches I have sew.

It is funny, that defiance, that stance, "I don't need anyone".

 I covet that, but it hits me differently now then it did whan I was 20. The stitches I had sewn then  I think were my independence, my place in the world, like staking my flag and claiming my land.

Now I think it is moving forward within my life and expanding out with all the experiences I have at this point.

Maybe the trick is doing that with out feeling so over-extended.

So, Here's to writing, to new friends and comments and moving forward,

Cheers!